It's 12:20am...I'm in Lansing (the state capital) and I've just
wrapped for the night. Ending the day listening to a bit of gospel.
Tired, head hurts, scared...yet willing to walk into the fire.
Tomorrow is Monday. Tuesday is the Bar exam. It will be what it
shall be. I will try, I will cry but I shall go forth. NO GUTS NO
GLORY RIGHT?? trying to mellow by listening to a bit of gospel.
Hoping for the best... But trying to shore up my resolves and self
perceptions just in case. There is ambivalence. Just have to get it done. Many thanks for all the well wishes thoughts and prayers. Special thank you for a hug and kind words from a friend."Finish strong Mai" was the sentiment. I shall try. So thank you... You'll never know what that meant... Especially since you knew I was on the verge of exam terror and collapse and fighting back tears. Couldn't show that true terror. Excellent that there are still ginuinely concerned people.
Until next time...
Take care of you!! (btw sorry for the fragment sentences but that's
how I'm condensing info for study purposes)
This was an Excerpt from my personal journal...
The Release.. Written 2.22.10
I chose to take a break and post here today because I needed to release. Those that follow this blog know my journey... know the struggle... know the sacrifice. Therefore, it is with you that I share this post. Tomorrow I will come full circle. I began this journey in the fall of 2001, and nine years, and three more kids later it may finally be complete as of Wednesday. The Bar exam is tomorrow and Wednesday and I can say that I'm more than a little intimidated. Many before me have taken it and passed successfully....but then again I can name more than a few who had to make the attempt a couple of times. Truthfully, although I know I should stay positive and stay up... my pessimism is giving way.
Today I clocked the drive from my hotel to the Kellogg Center at MSU. Normally what would have taken 15mins took 45 due to the snow that has chosen to fall today. As I drove to MSU I listened to alittle Hezekiah for some upliftment. His new cd is nice by the way if you like gospel. Anyway I was fine until I reached the campus. That's when the release came. Uncontrollable tears began to form and fall. My hands began to shake and my lip quivering. Not because of the exam that I have to take tomorrow (although I am still scared shitless) but because I've finally gotten to this point where I can take the Bar. The picture of the building with the snow is the legal building of MSU, where I began in 2001. When I started there it was still Detroit College of Law-Michigan State and was new to the campus...Michigan State has since absorbed it completely. I was 23 and had two kids attempting to do a traditional law school program..commuting from Pontiac the first semester, apartment during the week during the second semester, marriage on the rocks, stressed to the max, and not knowing what the hell i was doing. I was proud because I made it into MSU's law school. And then...the grades came out...and I wasn't so proud anymore. I was on academic probation...and then academically dismissed. Devistated...crushed...feeling lower than low. I picked myself back up, regrouped, and did a Masters in Public Administration at Oakland University since I had to sit out 2 years before I could reattempt. Only a few of yall knew this... Its not something that I discuss often.
After the Masters I again attempted. This time opting for Thomas Cooley Law School because it would give me the flexibility that my life needed as far as scheduling. I got in and began to thrive. Now the mother of 3 children I was getting the hang of this law school thing. That was in 2005 (five years ago at this time I began). Then came baby number 4 during law school...which brought about early labor and a refusal by my dr to let me drive to Lansing to sit for my exams...I would have to retake the semesters classes....Then a week later (almost to the day) came the death of my father....I withdrew from the entire semester. Then and there...in the span of 3 weeks... 2 entire semesters were gone...wiped out. I came back...regrouped and forged ahead. On September 14, 2008 I graduated from Thomas M. Cooley (3 mths preggers again..lol) with my Juris Doctorate Degree. I was sick at the ceremony with the flu, shaking, coughing, yet proud. As I crossed the stage I gave my dad the thumbs up and cried as I knew he was there watching me.
I moved from Michigan a month prior to my actual graduation ceremony and had the intents to take this exam in February of 2009. Bean..baby number 5 decided that wouldn't be prudent sooo I decided to wait till July of 2009. In April Mel had a catastrophic motorcycle accident that left me taking care of him for quite awhile. With a new infant, and a broken husband...I postponed the exam till now....
And so as the title of this post states... I have had a release. Even if I don't succeed on this first attempt I am proud that despite it all I have actually gotten to the point were I can sit for the Bar Exam. Some might not think that a big deal but given my life and experiences it actually is. I sit and cry as I type this post... knowing full well that tomorrow I walk into my destiny...Whatever the outcome may be! I have come full circle.. From one No came 2 yes' and 2 more degrees. I have family and I have life...The rest will come in time.
I have learned that for every thing there truly is a season. It was not my season at DCL. It was time to harvest at Cooley. It may not be my season to harvest tomorrow but all I can do is go to the field and till as best i can hoping..praying that the seeds I planted will mature. If they haven't, then again I shall give it time to grow..mature.. and then reharvest.
I am praying that God give me favor, strength, and mental fortitude. And I enter tomorrow with the knowledge that I've prepped as best I can given the constraints of my life. I probably will have a mental collapse if I don't pass on the first attempt... But like those before me in the same situation... I will cry, feel crappy for awhile, then regroup and attempt again. The biggest thing for me is the shame that comes with knowing everyone thinks you've failed. But I must remember that just because a battle is lost doesn't mean the war is! I will succeed! If not now...then when my harvest comes in. It took almost 10 years to get to a point that many achieve in 3 or 4. But guess what...Im here now! So all that stands in my way is this one exam. Not moving a mountain...Not solving world hunger...or even inciting global peace. 135 is the magic number.
So take a moment and say a prayer for me while you listen to my "war song" for the Bar Exam!!
(A prayer so touch and agree with me via cyberspace if you will) Lord Jesus give me favor to get there and pass. I'll take a 135 exactly. Overflow is needed... take this knowledge and allow me to access all learned and studied.. Father God in the name of Jesus I ask for Favor and for Triumph!! Knowing full well that to everything there is a season...and asking that you grant peace and serenity in the face of fear and anxiety!! No matter the outcome...knowing that it is done! Not in my time but yours, and counting all joy. Claiming Favor and thanking God that its done! Be it this exam or the next. Amen!Till next time..
